Season's Greetings, my patriotic lambs!
G-to-the-Iz-eorge here. Is it Show and Tell Day? 'Cause I got something to Show, and Tell! What I'm 'bout to show you is my list of things I'd like to blow up, Terminator-style! Blow jobs, if you will. It's all in good fun. Like the time Jeb (or "Jeb-i Knight", as we used to call him on the playground) and I dropped lit M-80s in the toilets back at Uncle Jessie Elementary School when we was kids. Man alive, if you've never seen a gigantic Old Faithful of man-dookie, you haven't lived. So here's my list, which I wrote all by myself!
• Osama Bin Laden
• Saddam “So Damn Insane” Hussein
• Afghanistan
• Iraqistan
• Iranistan
• Any other countries that end with “-stan”
• Any other countries starting with the letter “I”, including, but not exclusive to, Idaho
• The Rold Gold Pretzel factory
• Graceland (I’m the only King here, pal!)
• Rodney Westmore (My first coke dealer)
• That thing on Mikhail Gorbachev’s head (It’s still a symbol of communism!)
• Euro-Disney, Tokyo Disney and Idisneystan
• All gays, minorities, Democrats, non-Christians, hippies and goth children
• That country to the north of us
• That country to the south of us
• Mexico
• The monster under my bed
• All copies of the game Scrabble
• All animals that walk on four legs or have fur or swim in the ocean
• The National Parks
• Santa’s Workshop at The North Pole
• Jupiter
• Lenny Kravitz
• The lawn of the White House
• Hot Pockets
• Mexican Wrestlers
• The ABC Tuesday primetime television show line-up
• Midgets from Midgetekistan
• The Union (The South shall rise again!)
• Mint chocolate chip ice cream
• That weird sack of flesh behind my penis
• The United Republic of Puerto Rico
• Dick Cheney (So I can FINALLY become President)
• That guy on SNL that makes fun of me
• 16
• Other guys named “George” (‘Cept for Daddy)
• Manitoba
• Castrol (The Cuban motor oil guy)
• Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen and Afro Sheen
• That evil Frenchman, Simon Cowell, for voting my boy, Adriel Herrera, off of American Idol
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