Dear Franklin,

Once every few weeks, my girlfriend gets a little kinky, and wants some salad tossing or something like that. Normally, I’m a pretty straight-laced guy, and am actually not really too interested in "getting my hands dirty", as it were. So, either I go ahead and do it-- Yech!-- or I don’t, and she gets mad. Do you think we are too incompatible? Should I just break up with her, or what?

Ring around the brownie in Fort Wayne,

- Sean Newcombe

Sean,

I am having a bit of trouble understanding what you are asking. Approximately once a month or so, your girlfriend asks you to toss a salad, and you can’t oblige? Let’s imagine this scenario for a second: Let’s say your demanding girlfriend and you get married, and one day you are sitting on your lazy ass, and she asks you to get the mail. Not mail a bill, per se, or even write a letter; just to simply walk to the mailbox and get the mail. Of course, you-- who thinks "relationship" is spelled "m-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p"-- decline, and continue to sit on your fat ass. Then, Team Newcombe fails to get the mail for Tuesday, the 5th of whatever month/year it is. What the hell is your problem? In a relationship, sometimes you get the mail, and sometimes you toss a salad. Christ, this great land of ours was built by salad tossers; yes, this country was built by doers. Maybe, if you spent less time thinking about your precious "brownies" and more time thinking about compromise, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Actually, you know what? I’ve had it with you and your type, Sean. I think your girlfriend should leave you. Good luck finding a co-dependent partner who supports your lazy bum rump.

Dear Franklin,

Why do you, as a peer member of the community, advocate smoking? I am sure that if I were to let my children read your article, they would be saved many of life's "hard knocks". But, as it stands, I will not expose them to anyone who condones smoking.

- Allison from the web

Allison,

The Surgeon General is protecting your children; isn’t that enough? Sure, you could send your children off to Narnia, and throw away the key. But who would really benefit? Your children would, for one. By escaping your oppressive rule, they would be free to roam around in life's mysteries, and learn valuable lessons from their errors. But this really isn’t about your children, is it? No, this is about you and your... a fucking salad. I remember this couple I once knew. Every day for a week, the wife complained about the molding in the kitchen. So, that weekend, the husband installed new molding, sanded and refinished the hardwood floor, and still had enough energy to make a lasagna dinner that Sunday night before going to work the next day at six in the morning. And you know what? She still divorced him. Sweet Buddha on a hammock, Sean, what the hell are you looking for in a woman? Why don’t you break up with her, paint a picture of a woman on your wall, and spend the rest of your days sitting around collecting dust? Why don’t you just... oh, wait. I’m running out of space. So, until next month, (insert an as of yet undeveloped catch phrase here).

HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.